I feel a large change coming, and the wind of it will disrupt many things. I am also aware of others who sense the disruption as well. Energy rumbles through the air, disrupting the normal flow, and I don’t know where it is headed. I’m not even sure what its purpose will be. All I know is it’s disrupting me.
As far as I can tell, it is just something I need to be aware of, another part of the weather, simply something to live through. So, where am I going with this blog?
I think there are points in everyone’s life that cast a shadow, things that matter, but we end up waiting for a mystery to blossom.
What a coincidence. Christmas is coming, a time when in our society we wait for the revealing of unknown things under the tree.
I remember as a child trying to figure out what kind of loot hid in the presents awaiting to be carried off after the great opening. Not just mine either. Everyone else’s was fair game, too; our game was one of curiosity and included any present under the tree. Sometimes my guess was right, sometimes horribly wrong, but that again was part of the excitement. That little unknown and its accompanying tension gave the holiday a special zing.
I’m sure my youngsters play a similar game.
Isn’t it grand what kids come up with when left to their own devices? There are untold games that develop when the young ones set themselves free to play with a dash of imagination. Ask any grandparents about it. I’m not slighting the parents, those workhorses of parenting. Good parents are the bottom line of responsibility. But grandparents are the delightful ones who will break rules to see a smile, add a dose of sugar for the deliciousness of it, and, for good measure, use a sprinkling of seasoned responsibility to keep things safe. But in between all that, they live in a place that enables them to realize just how wonderful kids make the world.
So, where do adults learn that the unknown can become terrifying? I know, kids are often leery of going into an unfamiliar place or meeting a stranger, but adults are different. They, too, can be leery of things, but when a big change occurs in their life, something unknown, they can become catatonic. I think some just become paralyzed out of fear; others simply don’t want to take a chance, and that is what the unknown represents, taking changes and the possibility of harm.
Let’s talk about past unknowns. Each of us at one time or another stepped unwittingly into a disaster, and we did it while oblivious to the impending pile of whatever kind of mess it was. Here’s the strange thing about stepping into that kind of unknown thing. You did it and reacted fully in the mix from the beginning. It was like a wham! And you were off. But did you notice that there was no angst, fear, or trepidation in that kind of unknown? You didn’t have the chance to prepare yourself for what was about to happen, and you handled it. But you also didn’t get that horrible, worrisome time that comes with other events. What happened was you learned enormous amounts of what you needed without all that crap we often use to insulate ourselves from that fear.
Then there are planned events where a definite change is on the way, but you have an unclear idea as to what will be included in that change. Getting married would fall into that kind of unknown. This will not include the kind of marriage that happens in one night: meet them, have a few drinks, go visit a bridal shop in Vegas, and wake up the next morning with a ring on your finger. That kind of marriage belongs in my first example above.
I don’t have a total disrespect for the Vegas-style wedding. Some of those work, and who am I to belittle them? Some of them do not, however.
But in the interest of transparency, some of the big fancy weddings don’t work either. I’m not going to talk about divorce rates and all of that right now, maybe later. What I want to focus on is the unknown of the whole thing and the events leading to that sudden change.
If you have endured that prewedding time, you may remember an enormous amount of stress that builds exponentially the closer that wedding comes — can I afford the money (or debit), the in-laws hate me, I can’t cook, no more dates with other people, what if my spouse cheats on me, am I fat? They are all good warm-ups for the big questions. The toppers are: will it last? What will my new life be?
I could belabor the details for some time, because we all know there are more involved in the operation. But the point is, the unknown stares at you from a long way off, and the closer it comes, the more tension it builds.
A close second is the expectation of the first child. Wow! The two genders have their own stresses to endure, and the unknown is so worrisome that often it breaks marriages or at least strains them. But what is unique about this one is that as soon as the unknown arrives, then the stress disappears, at least for a small time, and happy relief replaces it. Oh, the tension will be back with a vengeance, along with another monstrous unknown, but as soon as the little one(s) arrive there is a wonderful respite.
Now, back to the problem of fearing the unknown. That state of being where we travel through a period of stepping forward into what we don’t know, that fear really isn’t needed. Remember, of the three examples, in the first, there was no angst because there wasn’t enough time? Hmm? How about the second example, where there were valuable times and cherished moments before and after the couple pierced the dark veil of knowledge of what would become? That veil was simply a representation of change. The last example had a sudden dissolution of tensions as soon as the baby arrived. Oh, there were other potential tensions on the horizon, and maybe some dire medical issues to address, but those unknowns were different from the main one.
One more example: remember when you were in school and you decided to play outside, doing whatever, and did not do the required homework? Then the next day you sat in class thinking to yourself, “Please don’t call on me … Please don’t call on me …” You said it over and over like a mantra, the angst of it all, the tension compounded with each ticking second. Then the teacher called on you; the dreaded thing had happened. You told the teacher you hadn’t done the homework (which the teacher probably already knew because of your behavior). Abruptly, all the stress was over. All that time you spent laboring over the damned thing had been useless. All that inner upheaval hadn’t changed a damn thing. All that tension had been a waste of peace of mind, and you had done it to yourself.
So, we have two examples, wedding and childbirth: as soon as the secret veil was torn away, the people involved reacted just like the first example, who’d been surprised. That alone tells me a lot. But the last example was different. Why don’t we simply resign ourselves to not belabor the unknown and trust ourselves to do everything at our best so we can handle whatever happens without that fear we keep inside of us running rampant? We either need to knuckle down and fix what we worry about or forget about stirring the pot of anguish and relax. Why borrow tomorrow’s worries?
I think adults learn that crippling fear of the unknown when they are kids. I know that sounds ludicrous, but we are taught to behave that way as youngsters by the then adults around us, and it’s a vicious circle. What if we don’t train our kids to fear the unknown, let them enjoy their imagination, and guide them through all the trauma of being young? God knows there is enough of that worldwide.
Can we not simply raise our children to take care of their problems as soon as they appear? But most importantly, help them survive their trials without getting wrapped up in their fear, angst, and crippling behavior that does more damage than help. Let’s teach our youngsters that life is great every single day and take each problematic hurdle in their own stride.
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